“Eep!” I heard a yelp from an area not too far from where I was. I slightly lifted the tablecloth and peeked out from the picnic table; there was nobody in sight. I let out a sigh of relief but placed my hand over my mouth quickly, afraid that someone would have heard me. I quickly dropped the table cloth and turned around.
I flinched at the sight I saw when I turned around. On the other side of the picnic table, somebody else had lifted the cloth. A broad grin was plastered on his face and he said the two words that I had dread to hear.
Found you.
“No fair Felix!” I huffed as I climbed out from under the table. “I bet Amy told you I was here!” I crossed my arms against my chest and glared at my five year old sister who was trying to suppress a giggle behind Felix.
“Oh come on! There was no way she could have known you were here! I found her on the other side of the house,” Felix rolled his eyes. “Don’t be such a spoil sport. It’s just a game,” he stuck his tongue out at me. A game for five year olds.
“Well I quit! Play without me,” I sat down on the picnic table and grabbed another watermelon slice. Felix ruffled my hair and sat down beside me. Amy ran back into the house. “Oh come on now!” he smiled and grabbed a slice as well.
“Why are we even playing hide-and-seek? We’re eighteen years old.”
“It’s never too old to be a kid!” he spit a watermelon seed at me.
“Ew! That’s gross!” I made a face and he laughed.
“You didn’t think that before,” he chuckled. He was right, I didn’t. After this summer, we were leaving to go off to different schools, to be tossed out into the real world.
“Don’t you remember,” said Felix “when we were kids? Playing tag, hide-and-seek, running through sprinklers,” he continued to list more things we did. I nodded. “Do you miss it?” he asked.
Felix had been the first friend I had ever made. That first summer was when met; my parents had brought me to a neighborhood barbeque. Since I had never been around many people before, I felt overwhelmed by the amount of people attending the barbeque. There were about a dozen kids playing in the sprinkles in the front year. Feeling shy, I sat alone under the apple tree and just watched the festivities.
“Hey!” a boy with bright, blue eyes and auburn hair greeted me. I stared at him, unsure of what to say. Without waiting for an answer, he grabbed my hand and pulled me through the gate to the front yard. The kids were lining up one by one, jumping through the sprinkler. They paused in their festivities and glanced at us.
“Who’s that?” a boy piped up, referring to me. “She looks weird,” another giggled. He let out a grunt as a girl next to him elbowed his arm. I could feel my cheeks burning a bit and tried to hide myself underneath my hand-me-down clothes from my cousin and my messy, dark hair.
“Aren’t you gonna say anything?” he whispered to me. I shook my head, unable to speak.
“Well, you’re stupid,” Felix spoke up towards the boy, earning a few gasps from the children who believed that stupid was a bad word. He grabbed a hold of my hand. “She’s my partner for this game!” he proceeded to run through the sprinklers with me.
I was a bit taken back by this strange boy who wanted to befriend me so bad. I pulled him back and shook my head, I didn’t want to admit it but I was afraid to go with him. He turned around, pausing to stare at me. He then broke into a smile and gave my hand a squeeze.
At that moment, I felt as if I had someone there who would always be beside me. I squeezed his hand, held my breath and leap through the water.
--
And you’ve been holding my hand since. I smiled at the thought.
“Felix? I’m scared.”
“Hmm? Of what?” he questioned in the same tone he used as a child.
“Of college,” I stated flatly. Of you leaving me.
He squeezed my hand and I instantly knew what it meant.
“What if I leave you? What if I run away and hide and forget about you?” I asked.
“Then I’ll find you.” A silence passes between us. He leans in towards my face. I think he is going to kiss me, but he stops short of my face.
“Hey, the sprinklers are going in the front yard,” he squeezes my hand again and smirks. I smile because I know what he means.
Sprinklers
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
6 comments:
CUTE STORY IS CUTE.
I'll add more later. I just wanted to leave a comment.
THIS POST LOOKS LONG AND DAUNTING, BUT IT'S NOT.
I pointed this out last time D:
--> “Don’t be such a spoil sport. It’s just a game,” he stuck his tongue out at me.
--> "Don't be such a spoil sport. It's just a game." He stuck his tongue out at me.
--> “It’s never too old to be a kid!” he spit a watermelon seed at me.
--> "It's never too old to be a kid!" he said as he spit a watermelon seed at me.
--> “Don’t you remember,” said Felix “when we were kids? Playing tag, hide-and-seek, running through sprinklers,” he continued to list more things we did.
--> “Don’t you remember,” said Felix, “when we were kids? Playing tag, hide-and-seek, running through sprinklers.” He continued to list more things we did.
There's a difference! If it's like this: ["It's just a game," he said / exclaimed/ cried / whatever] Then it has a comma. If it's a new sentence, then the dialogue ends with a period.
You still have some awkward phrasing here and there like:
--> I heard a yelp from [an area not too far from where I was.] (Like I said before, sounds too much like conversation speak.)
--> I flinched [at the sight I saw] (redundant) when I turned around.
It kind of goes back what I was saying before. That little things like this make the reader stop, because the sentence sounds strange or it doesnt't flow right. It interrupts the consistency of the story.
Some things that would definitely enhance your writing is using stronger, more appropriate diction. Saying that she snatched the watermelon instead of just grabbing it, to make it sound like she was tired of playing hide and seek.
All of the things that I've mentioned above, so far, have a lot to do with strcture. Hahaha. I think you tell stories very well, but your language isn't up to the calibur to convey your ideas (which, you also told me before!)
Because story-wise, my only complaints are
a) their relationship is very vague. They seem friendly enough, but are they a couple? Friends? Friends who become more? Etc.
b) and that's because, as you said, you aren't good with developing those relationships. I am too ): It's awkward writing about people in love.
c) Felix reminds me a bit too much of the dude from your dancing story...
Otherwise, I liked the concept. Sprinklers are fun 8D and Felix was really cute with the girl.
One of the easiest ways to work on structure is to read more, because when you read you subliminally pick up on the way the author writes and start to reciprocate it in your own writing. And if you're too lazy to do that, then the only other thing to do is to keep writing :P
Wow. This was so awesome. Did you like writing this? cause it was so cute. I really like the flashback transition this time. I saw them walk through the sprinklers, then bam back to the present! like a gateway through time. The detail that bothered me was in this line:
“She’s my partner for this game!” he proceeded to run through the sprinklers with me.
The word "partner" sounded strange to me.
But this story was really cool. If you added a rainbow it'd be cooler. but then it wouldn't be sprinklers would it?
Aaaahh adorable!! :) ...
The only thing is, I don't really get their relationship either :\ ... I guess we all have this problem though, haha... We'll have to work through it together!
I feel like the story as a whole was a little too quick for me. I wanted to see a little more of their relationship; the jump backward in time was good, but I felt it was a little sudden, though there was a transition. Maybe the transition felt unnatural? I'm not very sure.
In any case, I really did like this story!! :) ... It was adorable~! Just wish it was a little fuller~
I don't think the vagueness is a bad thing. It's just that you said you meant for them to be a couple, and they didn't give off that impression.
Felix and... The Girl Who Has Not Been Named.
Tung here:
I felt that the Felix character was a bit too perfect, as if he had no flaws. I guess it could be argued that this is how the narrator sees him in her mind, but it makes him a Mary Sue type of character. He just felt too unrealistic :( it felt more natural in your last story, because it was a first impression kind of interaction, but here in a long term relationship type, it feels much weaker. Then again, it was a cute story :)
Post a Comment