Don't You Let Me Go Tonight

“Isn’t it just so beautiful?” my friend/co-worker sighed with starry eyes. She was staring at the dance floor where the bride and groom were slow dancing together.

“Ya sure,” I mumbled, taking another sip of champagne.

“I’ve always dreamed of my wedding,” her eyes lit up again. “What about you Rebecca? You’re so beautiful! I’m surprised you’re not married already!”

“Amber…” I paused, compensating on whether to tell her or not. I decided against it after considering the fact that we’ve only been coworkers for six months.

“Nevermind,” and another sip of champagne.

“Hmm..?” Amber cocked her head to the side. I should have known that Amber was not the one to let something go. “You should just say it! I won’t judge” she flashed me a smile.

That’s what everybody says.

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“Oh look Amber, I’ve noticed that guy’s been staring at you for the past hour or so,” I changed the topic and motion towards a man who was looking right at her. She looked over and he winked. She quickly looked away and latched onto my arm.

“Oh MY god. He might come over! Do I look alright? Nothing in my teeth right?” she pulled out a mirror and checked her make-up. “You look great!” I said just as the man approached her. Suddenly, they were on the dance floor. I felt a bit envious of her. Sure I’ve had men admire me, but would they still if they knew the truth?

I suppose two years ago wasn’t the first day I felt that feeling, it’s been with me all along. My mind wandered back to the past, back to the day of my largest decision.

I stood in his hospital room, looking outside the window. Rain pelted the glass gently as I stroked the hair of an old Barbie doll. I heard a knock from the door. “Come on,” I shouted and turned towards the door. My sister walked in with a somber expression on her face.

“It’s not too late to change your mind now,” she said, giving me a stern look.

“I know what I’m doing,” I lied. She stared me down for a few minutes before letting out a sigh.

“Mother’s not going to be happy about this,” she rubbed her forehead.

“She’s never happy about anything I do,” I half-joked, trying my best to chuckle. She didn’t laugh.

“I suppose you’re right,” she mumbled before taking my hand. “I can hold onto Barbie for you until the operation is over,” she squeezed my hand. “Good luck,” she whispered before grabbing my Barbie and exiting the room.

“Hey Rebecca!” my mind snapped back to the present. A man crept up and plopped down in the seat where Amber had previously been.

“Hey…Liam,” a smile was plastered on his face. He rubbed the back of his head, messing up his unruly red hair even more. Freckles lightly dashed across his cheeks and nose. He continued to beam at me as I turned my head away from him.

“What do you want?” I asked, twirling my champagne around in the glass.

“Ah…well. You looked lonely!” he glanced towards Amber. “Just here to keep you company!” he flashed another smile with his straight, pearly teeth.

I rested my chin on my hand, covering my mouth. “I’m good,” I mumbled.

“Aw c’mon now! You’re at a wedding, we should have some fun,” he grabbed onto my arm and stood up. “Shall we dance m’lady?” I glanced up at him and his radiant features. Why are you so persistent?

“The operation was successful,” I heard the surgeon’s voice say as I was knocked out on twenty different drugs.

“When will he be able to return to normal?” my sister asked, obviously worried.

“Six months of therapy and he’ll be ready in no time! Or should I say…she?” the surgeon cheerfully chuckled.

“Or…i—it’s fine if you don’t what too!” Liam said, he quickly sat back down and looked away to hide his reddening face.

Six months of agonizing pain, but it was worth it. I spent six months with a physical therapist, struggling to walk and get used to my new body. It was difficult, but by the end of those six months I was fully functioning. The doctor unrevealed my bandages and I looked into my mirror. My sister had been as shocked as I was. Tears began to stream down my face.

“What’s wrong?” the nurse gently asked. For the first time, I had felt completely right.

“Fine I’ll dance with you,” I groaned and dragged Liam off his seat. “Really?” the red-head perked up and briskly scuttled to the dance floor, linked arm in arm with me.

“Robert—“

“No, my name is Rebecca now,” I shuddered at my old name.

“Ya…Rob—Rebecca” my sister nervously fidgeted. “Are you sure you don’t want to see Mom?” she bit her lip.

“Not now. I have to work on getting a job now,” I hugged her tightly. “I’ll pay you back, I promise” I said, gently patting her back.

“Don’t worry about it!” she said when we broke away. “Just…promise me you’ll see Mom soon ok? She really loves you ya know…” she grabbed her bag and nodded. “Good luck Rebecca!”

Liam awkwardly placed his hands around my shoulders. “What are you doing?” I raised an eyebrow at him. His face turned a bright red. I took both his hands and placed them around my waist, and then I wrapped my arms around his neck.

I remembered the first time I entered the office. Dozens of cubicles were set up. I found mine and began to set up my items. The other employees looked at me and whispered, none approaching me. Even though I felt more comfortable in my new body, I still felt like I was in high school.

What a weirdo. Is he gay? What a loser. Why does he look like a girl? Haha, he acts like one too. Hahahahaha.

I could hear them in the hallways. I knew they were laughing at me, no matter how much I told myself they weren’t.

You’re a PATHETIC excuse for a MAN.

I remember those words that my gym coach said to me. Afterwards he walked back into the school, leaving me to lie in a pile of mud. A few of the boys laughed, some kicked mud in my face, the rest of the students reluctantly gave me a look of pity before following the coach back into the school.

I looked down, pretending to focus on my file cabining. The people are still the same, still judgmental. Only one person bothered to approach me, to say hi and give me a cheesy smile: Liam.

I looked into his brown eyes as we slowly moved to the song. I would be lying if I admitted that I did not find him handsome. Liam’s smile could light up a room. I found it adorable when he brushed his messy red hair out of his face revealing his sparkling brown eyes. Honestly, in the position we were in now with his arm wrapped around me, I felt safe from the judgmental eyes of society.
“Liam…?”

“Yes?” he said, still red.

“Why did you talk to me that first day?” I asked, slightly regretting asking him.

“Well because…you seemed lonely,” he laughed.

“Besides that,”

“Well…I guess it’s because I know how you felt as well,” he paused. “I mean, I wasn’t always the handsome stud I am now,” he winked at me. I rolled my eyes. Typical Liam, always joking.

“Handsome my ass,” I mumbled.

“Stop denying your love for me,” he flashed a goofy smile.

“But really…please go on in a serious manner,”

“Well,” he removed his hands from my waist and made glasses on his face with his hands. “See, I used to wear these huge glasses, they’d call me Hoot because I was like an owl” he hooted to exaggerate his story, which induced a small giggle to escape from my lips. “And see these perfect teeth,” he smiled like an orangutan “they used to be covered in tons and tons of metal! Hitting puberty late was also a topic they heavily made fun of” he briefly paused and then continued on with his story.

“I was a bit weird too, I used to bird watch and collect insects,” he wiggled his fingers. “In fact, that’s how I got my job in the magazine here.”

“Really now?” I cocked my head and gave him a look.

“Really!” he said. “But anyway, I’d really like to see their faces since I’m now working for a big shot magazine!” he proudly huffed out his chest. “Bet they’re real jealous of my beautiful looks,” he did an exaggerated hair flip and flashed another one of his smiles at me.

“Liam…shut up,” I laughed. He paused and chuckled. “Whatever you say,” he placed his hands on my waist again and I laid my head again his chest. Somehow, dancing here in his arms made me feel safe from the world. Maybe I’ll tell you my story one day.