She turned off the last lights, dimming the entirety of the glass building. The gallery heater was broken, making the cold air unbearable in the studio. She just wanted to get home. Her feet shuffling in the snow, she made her way across the empty parking lot towards her car. Fumbling with the icy keys, she unlocks the door and started the car.
The lock clicks, and the door was pushed open. Entering her apartment, she almost tripped over the delivered package. Without picking up the parcel or taking off her jacket, she went straight to her writing desk. Unfolding a blank sheet of paper from the stack of unsent, she began writing.
“You would not believe what happened today. The heater broke again at my studio! Thank goodness it was the last day for the display; otherwise the cold weather would have completely ruined the ticket sales.”
It was a second-hand desk. While it was made of high-quality wood (she was quite surprised such a beautiful desk could be sold at such a low price), its first owners sold it because the desk’s angling made it difficult to write, but this did not seem to bother her.
“Also, my order of new towels came in! The green initials didn’t pop as much as I wanted it to, but it still looks wonderful hanging on my towel ra-”
She could not finish the sentence. Leaning back in her chair, she set the pen down on the table, and closed her eyes. She was trying to imagine what it would be like to be with him, to have his arm around her as they walked in the cold, to lean against his warmth whenever the wind blew. Just last week she saw him in the streets spending time with his family and it had taken all her willpower to turn around and walked the other way. Turning the paper on its back, she gripped the cold pen and began again.
“I hate you. I hate what you have done to me. I hate that you don’t owe me anything, that you haven’t done anything wrong.”
She knew it was wrong to blame him for her loneliness.
“No, all you did was plague my mind with fake memories and impossible dreams of us being together.”
She stops and sighs aloud.
Tearing off a corner of the paper, she walked back out her apartment to her car and set her GPS to the nearest beach 3-hours away.
The waves crashed against the cliff side where she stood, the salty sea air gently breezing against her coat. The air itself was cold, yet the sea water somehow made it warmer. She let the wind support her as she carelessly leans towards the edge of the cliff, peering into the darkness below. From her pocket, she produced an empty water bottle and against its walls, she began writing.
“I think of you whenever life gets me down, whenever you’re not around. And no matter how far away you are, you always bring me home”
She crumbles the scrap paper into the bottle, snugly turning its cap closed, wiped down its side with her jacket, and threw the bottle off the cliff into the dark sea. Hearing its gentle splash against the water, she sat on the ground with her back against the soft mossy rocks and fell asleep, warm amidst the cold night air.
[Sigh, I realized writing a story is nothing like writing a ranting -.- ITS HARD. I actually wrote the story through the little boy's eyes like I had asked you guys, but I really didn't like how it turned out, so I am posting this one instead (which is just as crappy...). Sowwie :( Either way, I really want to get better, so let the writing advice begin!]
4 comments:
I noticed that you were switching back and forth between present and past tense. Pick one! I think given the kind of story you were writing, present tense would sound stronger. (And I think you realized that too, since you kept reverting to present tense.)
There are a lot of unnecessary details you included that could've been cut out to make the pacing faster. Like the second paragraph, when you describe every single action she took while getting into her apartment, the second mentioning of the broken heater, the details of starting her car.
But then, you also had all these parts that could've been expanded or were way too short that you chop chop chopped away.
The start of the story introduced your character's struggles, her conflict really well. The letters she wrote, why she felt the way she did, etc. But then you kind of chased after the ending, rushed through it so that the ending didn't really feel like closure.
I feel like this story needs to grow more! You've merely poked the seed through the soil, why not wait for the bud to rise from the dirt?
I like the idea of a message in the bottle... but don't just throw it out there! It needs to sink in and float along before reaching shore.
Also, I like how the girls have chosen a male narrator and you chose a female narrator |D Clearly this is symbolic. Melly has the mentality of a little boy, me of an angsty teenage male, and you a lonely working woman of 20. IT MAKES SENSE.
I believe this has the potential to be a pretty good story. It seemed pretty rushed though[but it was according to your A/N D:?] and you could have gone much more in detail with some parts!
But overall, it really does have the potential to become a great story!
[And like Sandy says..the conflict is introduced well!]
I wrote a comment for this a long time ago... And then blogger told me that it couldn't perform my command or something and erased. So! Now I'm here trying again! Haha...
I really liked the story, though it had me begging for more answers and more information. Like the others said, I think you could've expanded on a couple parts. For instance, I was left wondering what happened between the two? Was it a normal break up, or was it something more? A little bit more background information can really change a lot in the story and how it gets interpreted, so use it to your advantage!
Definitely keep the tense of the story in mind; changing in and out of present and past tense can really interrupt the flow of the story.
I really loved how you used all the different senses while you wrote; it created a different kind of dynamic that I'd never really thought about before. I actually read a writer's guide about this, but I'd never tried it - I think I'll have to try it, now!
It definitely has potential, but remember: a little bit of background can go a long way.
:) Try adding more depth to your characters by thinking about why they do this, or why they do that! What could have provoked these actions? What could have provoked the actions that provoked those actions? etc. etc.
Hey this is how I sometimes feel. Like merodii said, depth would make the story better. The water bottle thing bothers me. I wasn't sure if she was writing on the bottle itself at first or inside the bottle. She obviously had to use a sharpie right? Cause water bottles are like made out of glass or plastic. But if it was glass, won't the wind blow it into the cliff and break? And if it was plastic, will it even reach the bottom or be caught between the waves and cliff face.
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